You're gonna need a nuker. You'll want to unfold the popcorn bag as instructed, and lay in the microwave.
Set the timer for 5 minutes even if that feels like too long. Then watch it pop and get involved if a bag rotation or assist looks required. The goal is an even pop - black popcorn is the enemy.
Every microwave is different - I watched and listened until a few seconds between pops, then pulled the bag. In this case, a quick pull.
Once the popcorn is done - and it should be nice and white and fluffy - pour HALF the bag into a bowl. It is now time to butter up.
Butter NEVER means this. Or anything remotely similar to this. Butter is BUTTER and it means...
THIS. The real shit. Slice off a third of a stick and put it in a clear teacup-like object. Pop this in the microwave and heat for 25 seconds or until liquid. Now, it's butter time.
Boom. Third of a stick.
Pour about half the cup on the half-full bowl of popcorn, and shake the bowl around to even out your butter distribution. Fill the bowl with the remaining popcorn, apply the rest of the butter.
I'll have a cup of hot fat and the head of Alfredo Garcia.
See? Half full. Butter 1. Fill. Butter 2.
Popcorn ... DONE.
But don't take my word for it...
Thanks for watching!! Happy popping.