How to Make Killer Pad Thai

A takeout classic, now easy and healthy for you and your cutie. By special request tonight for my Red!

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How to Make Killer Pad Thai Recipe
31 Steps
Ingredients
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1
Good evening. Tonight we rock our fat asses off while we cook delicious nom-noms.

Good evening. Tonight we rock our fat asses off while we cook delicious nom-noms.

2
By now you know how a night in my kitchen starts, peeps! Actually, a good Asian beer would be the best, like a Sinha or a Tiger or something. Do they still make Tiger? Go to the store and get a Tiger.

By now you know how a night in my kitchen starts, peeps! Actually, a good Asian beer would be the best, like a Sinha or a Tiger or something. Do they still make Tiger? Go to the store and get a Tiger.

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3
These are the kinda noodles you need, the wide, flat ones. That's about 8 ounces right there.

These are the kinda noodles you need, the wide, flat ones. That's about 8 ounces right there.

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Soak 'em in cold water for a half hour while you do the rest of this!

Soak 'em in cold water for a half hour while you do the rest of this!

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Check this out: ground dried shrimp. Find it at the Chinese store, but it might come in the form of whole shrimp. In that case, you gotta chop 'em at some point. It's very strong, so use 1/2 tbsp.

Check this out: ground dried shrimp. Find it at the Chinese store, but it might come in the form of whole shrimp. In that case, you gotta chop 'em at some point. It's very strong, so use 1/2 tbsp.

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Soak it in some boiling water for about fifteen minutes.

Soak it in some boiling water for about fifteen minutes.

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One chicken tit is required. You can get by with half. Call it an A cup chicken tit? Chop into ribbons. I precooked it tonight, so don't get freaked out later when it magically appears on the board.

One chicken tit is required. You can get by with half. Call it an A cup chicken tit? Chop into ribbons. I precooked it tonight, so don't get freaked out later when it magically appears on the board.

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Next, green onions. Go ahead and use the green tips off one whole bunch. They don't need to be small like I did it here, you can do 'em in one inch lengths or more. Longer is better (grin).

Next, green onions. Go ahead and use the green tips off one whole bunch. They don't need to be small like I did it here, you can do 'em in one inch lengths or more. Longer is better (grin).

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What kinda veggies do you wanna use?  We are getting millions of snow peas from our garden now, so I miked 'em in a Baggie for 45 seconds. Slice some cabbage into ribbons if you want, or broccoli.

What kinda veggies do you wanna use? We are getting millions of snow peas from our garden now, so I miked 'em in a Baggie for 45 seconds. Slice some cabbage into ribbons if you want, or broccoli.

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Honestly, the real way to make pad thai is to use bean sprouts. This is cool if you can get fresh ones, but you gotta make a separate trip to the store 'cuz they wilt within hours, it's ridiculous.

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Don't use canned sprouts, they are bullshit! If you can't get to the store for fresh ones, just sub in some other veggie, no worries.

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Put some cooking spray down in a nonstick pan, or a couple drops of oil, and put it over medium high. Honestly, once you learn medium high, you're halfway to being a good cook already.

Put some cooking spray down in a nonstick pan, or a couple drops of oil, and put it over medium high. Honestly, once you learn medium high, you're halfway to being a good cook already.

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Then crack a couple eggs and beat 'em like you're a Domme!

Then crack a couple eggs and beat 'em like you're a Domme!

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You're gonna make an omelet. Even a dope can do this part without pictures.

You're gonna make an omelet. Even a dope can do this part without pictures.

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Eggy goodness has been achieved on one side, so flip it like a foreclosed home...

Eggy goodness has been achieved on one side, so flip it like a foreclosed home...

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Then slice that sucker into long strips and set 'em aside for the stir frying.

Then slice that sucker into long strips and set 'em aside for the stir frying.

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Let's make that sauce, dude. You need 1.5 tbsp fish sauce, about a half tbsp palm sugar, 1 tablespoon liquid tamarind, and 1 tbsp oyster sauce.

Let's make that sauce, dude. You need 1.5 tbsp fish sauce, about a half tbsp palm sugar, 1 tablespoon liquid tamarind, and 1 tbsp oyster sauce.

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Palm sugar is raw sugar made from palms. It has a crazy, dense flavor, so I made a note in my recipe book to reduce the amount. If you wanna make this dish over the top, double it (also the shrimp).

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On the other hand, if you can't get palm sugar at all, use brown sugar instead, but they oughta have palm sugar at the Chinese store.

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That palm sugar is rock hard, so you gotta simmer it with the liquids until it dissolves. Then tip in those shrimp you soaked and that's your pad Thai sauce. Easy peasy.

That palm sugar is rock hard, so you gotta simmer it with the liquids until it dissolves. Then tip in those shrimp you soaked and that's your pad Thai sauce. Easy peasy.

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Pad Thai is usually mild, but if you need heat you can drizzle some Sriracha into that sauce. This stuff is the Tabasco of the Orient. A bottle of the Rooster should be in your fridge at all times!

Pad Thai is usually mild, but if you need heat you can drizzle some Sriracha into that sauce. This stuff is the Tabasco of the Orient. A bottle of the Rooster should be in your fridge at all times!

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Drain yer noodles after a half hour, chop a small onion, and you're done with prep! Look at that mise en place. I should get paid for this.

Drain yer noodles after a half hour, chop a small onion, and you're done with prep! Look at that mise en place. I should get paid for this.

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Go ahead and set the table now. Pad Thai ain't spicy, so you don't need Kleenex, but the lime wedges are mandatory.

Go ahead and set the table now. Pad Thai ain't spicy, so you don't need Kleenex, but the lime wedges are mandatory.

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Okay, so now you got onion, noodles, chicken, green onions, veggies, egg and sauce ready to rock. Have some peanuts ready too and put that stuff on the counter right next to where the wok is gonna be.

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Just like so. Everything right at your fingertips.

Just like so. Everything right at your fingertips.

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Stir frying goes FAST! Put the wok on high and get that puppy to smoke if you can. Pour a little oil in it, swirl around, and then you're gonna do the ingredients!

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There's no time for pictures when you're stir frying! That wok is so hot you're gonna cook each thing like wham, bam, no time at all. Hit it and quit it, dude! Throw the stuff in there in this order:

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1. Onion. 2. Chicken. 3. Noodles. 4. Sauce. 5. Veggies. 6. Egg. 7. Peanuts. 8. Green onions.

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Toss it together and finish fast, 'cuz those noodles can easily overcook. You want 'em pretty firm, harder than the al dente you're probably used to with Anglo pasta.

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Turn it out into a serving dish and you get this. You just made two nice big servings, with leftovers. Your sweetie will appreciate that, because there's nothing like cold Thai for a midnight snack.

Turn it out into a serving dish and you get this. You just made two nice big servings, with leftovers. Your sweetie will appreciate that, because there's nothing like cold Thai for a midnight snack.

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Plate it, squeeze some lime over and enjoy! Try to tell me that's not a romantic meal...

Plate it, squeeze some lime over and enjoy! Try to tell me that's not a romantic meal...

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