How to Deal With Grief and the Passing of a Loved One

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How to Deal With Grief and the Passing of a Loved One

I recently lost my mother and share what are perhaps some universal ways to grieve, support one another, and cope with the sadness, loss and pain.

Felicia Gustin

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This is my mother - Justine Tubiolo Gustin. Her life spanned 83 years - from August 22, 1929 to September 25, 2012.

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Each culture, religion and nation has beliefs and customs on how to handle the passing of a loved one. I'm no expert - just sharing with you what I'm learning as I walk this path. (That's mom & me.)

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Nothing can prepare you for this. Losing a mother, a parent, is overwhelming. (That's mom and me over the years.)

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The love and support from family and friends is truly important. But accept that there will be those who surprise you and will not be there for you. You learn a lot about people during grieving.

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Most people WILL step forward. Sometimes they don't know what to do or what you need. It's ok for you to ask for help and tell them what you need.

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Here are some wonderful things people said to us that have really given us strength. (That's mom and my daughter!)

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"We hope that you have comfort in knowing how many children she helped to grow in the right direction over her long lifetime." (Mom did child care and taught school.)

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"Everything that made your mom so special to you will live on through your memories."

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"Your mom is present in your daughter and you, always."

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"Know that she is still around you all. Talk with her. She will answer."

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"Denying sadness denies healing. By letting your heart break you let your heart heal."

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"Life is a blend of love and loss, but love is always stronger… Love lives on forever."

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"I wish I could say I understand how hard it is, but every grief is unique. So I have no wisdom to impart – only the hand of friendship. The rest just takes time."

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"The remedies for grief are time, courage and love… all applied with tenderness." (Mom with my daughter.)

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"Grieving takes as long as it takes. This is a process. It may never truly end, but it will always change."

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"This is a time of intense and mixed emotions. At times you may be surprised by what you feel."

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People want to give something to mark the passing of your loved one. Oftentimes they send flowers. But we decided, in lieu of flowers, to ask people to donate to two causes dear to mom's heart...

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To honor mom's work with children we designated a local organization that works with abused children and because mom was such an animal lover, we also designated a local animal shelter.

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Rather than only mourn Mom's passing, we chose to publicly celebrate her life and legacy at a memorial attended by family, friends, and people who mom had taken care of when they were children.

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We showed a slide show that shared highlights of her rich life. It made people both laugh and cry.

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Looking at Mom's whole lifetime has been a source of joy. By not dwelling on just her final days (when her health was declining), we are reminded of the rich life she's led and that gives us strength.

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At the memorial, I read a poem my mom had written when her own mother had passed away in 1986. Her words comforted us across the years:

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"There is no more anguish./There is no more despair./There is no more pain./Only your laughter in the wind./Only your dreams to light our way./Only your love to fill each day..."

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Rest in peace, Mama. You are forever in our hearts.

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I hope this guide helps you when you encounter the loss of someone you love. And while they are still with you, remember to tell them how much you love them today.

You're Done

Check out other guides by this author!

Felicia Gustin

Bay Area, California USA

I love to create! All kinds of things. Food, crafts, jewelry, art, photos, theater, events, history, social justice. My proudest creation is my daughter!

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Felicia Gustin

Bay Area, California USA

Karen Larard

Brønshøj , Denmark

Karin Siöö

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Phillip G

Felipe L

Tempe, AZ (USA)

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Singapore, Singapore

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Charleston, SC

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Mandaluyong, Philippines...

Corey Lamping

Brittany Hock

Missa 💗

Burlington, WI.

Harrison Lamon

Trisha Amarante

Ann-Mari Petersen

Odense, Denmark

Crystal-Nicole 💋

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AJ Hyatt

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Heather Portillo

Lesley Quinteros

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Family and Friends

Hi Christina, so sorry to hear about your brother. How timely your words! I just returned, with my sister, from taking my mother's ashes from California to New York to be laid to rest with her family - mother, grandparents, sister and brother. It was an emotionally powerful experience and your words were truly comforting! Thanks!

Felicia Gustin (author) last month

What a beautiful tribute to your mother. I unexpectedly lost my brother last summer and can relate to the grieving process. Somedays are better than others but he will always be in my heart. Your memories of your mother are part of her legacy. I wish you all the best in your healing.

Christina Ray last month

Thank you

💕ʗჩℓơҽ 💕 last month

No worries Willie. Your message is heartfelt and means a lot to me. Thanks, Karen, I mean, Felicia ;)

Felicia Gustin (author) last month

Oh Cloe, so sorry to hear about your nana. So glad this helped through what I can imagine is a difficult time...

Felicia Gustin (author) last month

Please forgive me Felicia, I didn't mean to address you as "Karen". I was reading Karen's lovely comment and inadvertently typed her name ;-/

Willie Baskow last month

Thank you Karen for reaching out to guide others through their grief journey! A wonderful & generous idea :)

Willie Baskow last month

Thank you for this. Today I lost my nana :( x

💕ʗჩℓơҽ 💕 last month

I hope so, Karen. Thanks!

Felicia Gustin (author) 2 months ago

Your guide will help many people face the loss of a mother.

Karen Bishop 2 months ago

Agreed

Hannah Loves Grant 3 months ago

Grief comes in all forms and losing a parent (however that might come about) can be very painful (especially when you are a child).

Felicia Gustin (author) 3 months ago

Dear Carolyn. When you are a child it is. No disrespect either.

Karen Larard 3 months ago

No disrespect, but that's nowhere near the same thing.

Carolyn's Sugar Free Treats 3 months ago

I so agree, Hannah. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this.

Felicia Gustin (author) 3 months ago

Yes. I miss him a lot. No child should have to go through that.

Hannah Loves Grant 3 months ago

Thanks so much Hannah. I am so sorry to hear about your father. But his memory clearly lives on in your heart.❤

Felicia Gustin (author) 3 months ago

This is so sweet. I lost my father to esophageal cancer in 2009 when I was 8. I will never get over it completely and I love him very much. Thank you for this guide Felicia.

Hannah Loves Grant 3 months ago

Oh Andraya - I am so sorry to hear how many loved ones you are grieving for but so happy that this guide has comforted you. I know it is so hard and sad and a range of emotions. But that's part of the grieving process for sure. Much love.

Felicia Gustin (author) 4 months ago

I really needed this right now. I have gone through so many deaths of loved ones within the past 2.5 years. I am still grieving the loss of my father the most. It hasn't gotten any better although his death was the first of many and it's been a little over 2 years. This guide really helped comfort me and to not feel so alone with my grief. Right now it still hurts too bad to even think of the happy times but your guide has given me hope. I am so sorry for your loss.

Andraya Gardner 4 months ago

What beautiful words Daniella. Thank you.

Felicia Gustin (author) 4 months ago

Grieve not for the loss, celebrate having walked this path together, accompanying her home.

Daniella Sforza 4 months ago

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Joan. And so glad the guide touched your heart.

Felicia Gustin (author) 4 months ago

That was beautiful :) I lost my mom to lung cancer in 2002

Joan Monda Perrine 5 months ago

Sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, I miss my mom everday.

Judy Padilla 5 months ago

Beautiful.

Adriana Munoz 5 months ago

I'm sorry about your loss. Your mom was -and is - marvellous! Thank you very much for sharing your feelings.

Irina Romanova 5 months ago

I agree , you sound wonderful!

Jenny Oberhand 5 months ago

And we love you, my little sister.

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

Our legacy from our mother is having each other. She taught us love. I love you, sister. I love you, brother. I love you, niece.

Tina Gustin-Gurney 6 months ago

I am so grateful and truly moved by all your words of support, blessings and wisdom. Thank you Snapguide community! It is so amazing to be connected with people from all over this country and all over the world! Sending you my love and appreciation!

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

God Bless you and your Mother. She is now in a better place watching over you and your family 👼. Such a wonderful guide. My deepest condolences with u. 💐

Karina K. 6 months ago

I was reading this and it brought tears to my eyes. It's beautiful and your mothers poem is too. Thank you for sharing a piece of you to us, it must have been really hard. Your a wonderful strong person. I feel like your mom would be proud of you and is probably smiling down at you. :)

Manu Sa 6 months ago

Lovely!

Michelle Sullivan 6 months ago

Despite grieving your mother's death, you have found the courage to share your wisdom with us. Thank you and I salute you and your mother. You're both incredible women and truly an inspiration. I hope your daughter grows up to be one too. God bless you all. Really. My condolences with you.

Pooja Lalwani 6 months ago

Making this guide had to be a great source of therapy and healing in itself. Something we must all face but can never be really be prepared. Thank you for your glimpse into our future in sharing your thoughtful guide. Your Mother was a beautiful lady.

Victoria Abel 6 months ago

This is more than a guide. It is a life lesson.

Cal Bear 6 months ago

This is really great guide.. You are so touching, my condolences.

Taylor B..(: 6 months ago

Thank you so much. It make me so warm inside to se that you loved your mother as much as i love mine. That is what life is all about, love. God bless you and thank you for the guide

Debbie C 6 months ago

... But what helps me is to know that whomever I have lost, I never really lost because they touched my life in someway, so they will always live on in me and whomever I touch. I lost my grandmother not to long ago ... Her flame burns in my heart and I can only hope to be as amazing as she is to me ❤

Trisha Amarante 6 months ago

Amazing touching guide... And through you, your mom still teaches 💗 I am so sorry for your loss... I am someone who doesn't handle death well at all :(

Trisha Amarante 6 months ago

Thanks to all for your comments. They really touched my heart. I wasn't sure if I should/could do this guide but if it makes even just one person feel moved (as it has) or makes you hug your loved ones (as it has), then it has been worth it.

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

I'm so sorry for your loss I have not experienced this kind of thing but I do know a friend that is and I will share this guide with her thank you so much for writing this and my sympathies once more to you

Missa 💗 6 months ago

This is absolutely beautiful, thank you for sharing!

Brittany Hock 6 months ago

Wow, what a beautiful guide. This brought me to tears. I will tell my mother I love her, although I do find it a little embarrassing. Thank you for this guide, it must've been hard to make it!

Lord George Josef 6 months ago

This guide brought me to tears. Such beautiful photos, I can't even describe. Warmed my heart to see all those happy photos of her amazing life. Thank you for sharing.

Kylee E 6 months ago

What beautiful words - and clearly a beautiful relationship between your mum, your daughter and you. Thank you for sharing this, I will squeeze my mum a little tighter when I see her.

Carolyn's Sugar Free Treats 6 months ago

Thank you!

Karin Siöö 6 months ago

Thanks Karen - I know it's not the usual kind of guide I do but the folks at Snapguide encouraged me to share this and I hope it helps others.

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

Dear Felicia. My deepest sympathy for your loss, and my profound admiration of the courage you must have to make such a wonderful and important guide.

Karen Larard 6 months ago

Thank you so much!

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

Sorry for your loss may her Soul rest in Peace

Khadidja Keita 6 months ago

So generous of you to share, sorry for your loss. She has kind eyes.

Debi Henson 4 months ago

;)

Beatriz Gomez 3 weeks ago

Thanks so much Beatriz - so true ❤!

Felicia Gustin (author) 3 weeks ago

I mean in sprit

Beatriz Gomez 3 weeks ago

Don't worry she is there in your heart and sprit.and am sorry for your loss.

Beatriz Gomez 3 weeks ago

:( I'm sorry

Phoebe 🐱🐶🐰🐹🐸 3 weeks ago

Thanks Julia and Phoebe for your kind words. This is going to be the first Mother's Day without mom so feeling the loss.

Felicia Gustin (author) 3 weeks ago

Sorry for your loss :(

Phoebe 🐱🐶🐰🐹🐸 3 weeks ago

You looked so adorable:) I'm so sorry for your loss :(

ℐuℓⅈ@ L 4 months ago

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So true. I lost a best friend when my mother passed.

Debi Henson 4 months ago

Condolences to you Elizabeth. So sad to lose someone you love.

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

My friend just died of cancer after a three year battle. She only knew she had it for 9 months RIP Misha!

Elizabeth Z 6 months ago

My condolences to you and your family

Tina T 6 months ago

Ouch.

Tina T 6 months ago

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Me too! It really capture my Mom's spirit!

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

I love this photo!

Victoria Abel 6 months ago

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Yep, I agree!

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

That's a great really powerful quote

Taylor B..(: 6 months ago

From a very dear friend who also recently lost her father.

Felicia Gustin (author) 6 months ago

That is such a beautiful and insightful thing to say.

Audrey Graf 6 months ago

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That's such a great idea

ℐuℓⅈ@ L 4 months ago

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Thank you.

Debi Henson 4 months ago

I still think about my mom every day. Thanks so much for your kind words Rena and Maureen. So happy to know that it moved others and it certainly helped me to share.

Felicia Gustin (author) 4 months ago